


The Disaster of the Captains' Table

by todxrxki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, bokuto is so loud, in other words the captains table is a complete disaster, kenma is a little bit jealous, kuroo is lowkey evil, oikawa tries to be a relationship counselor, ushijima wants to be loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 23:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20218219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/todxrxki/pseuds/todxrxki
Summary: Kuroo is a complete gay mess for his best friend, Kenma. Bokuto doesn't know subtlety. Daichi is so tired of the training camp already. Ushijima wants to make friends with one specific person. And Oikawa brings them all together at one training camp table. The table soon descends into chaos as the table tries to assist Kuroo with confessing his love, but then it turns into a total disaster when Kenma misreads the situation completely... or is it just the push that Kuroo needs? / Written for Kuroken Week Day 3, Flowers.





	The Disaster of the Captains' Table

It is Oikawa’s idea to make the captain’s table, and it soon becomes Oikawa’s biggest regret.

Kuroo’s sure it had just been some Oikawa-typical ploy to make himself feel special, as though he’s part of an exclusive club. What Oikawa has clearly forgotten, though, is that among the captains at this training camp is Ushijima Wakatoshi. Oikawa swears up and down that he’s disliked Ushijima since the day they met and will dislike him until the day he perishes. Kuroo has to doubt the legitimacy of that, though, since Oikawa had all but created this opportunity for Ushijima to sit with them.

He has to thank Oikawa, really. This is exactly the kind of drama he’s been missing in his life. And it just becomes better when he sits beside Bokuto and Daichi takes the seat at the end, leaving only the empty space beside Oikawa for Ushijima to sit.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Oikawa snarls.

“You created this mess; you get to deal with it,” Daichi says flatly. Kuroo has to hand it to him. He’s strong-headed and kind of annoying, what with his team’s plotting or whatever, but he sure knows how to handle whiners and bad personalities.

Kuroo snorts. Oikawa levels his glare at Kuroo, and Kuroo widens his eyes in faux innocence. “I didn’t even say anything!”

“The look on your face says it all!” Oikawa protests.

“That’s true, bro. You’re very expressive,” Bokuto says, patting him on the shoulder. “I used that word right, right? Akaashi? Oh shit, Akaashi isn’t here!”

“I can be Akaashi,” Kuroo says. “Yes, Bokuto-san, that was correct.”

Bokuto howls with laughter in response. Both Daichi and Oikawa sink into their chairs the slightest bit, but Kuroo just grins. “That was perfect, man! You sounded just like ‘im! Hey, d’you think you can do more impressions?”

Kuroo’s about to start in with his spot-on Oikawa impression when the table rattles. All of their heads snap around to see Ushijima, setting down his tray beside Oikawa. “Hello, everyone. I have arrived at the captain’s table.”

“Who says you have to announce your arrival?” Oikawa hisses.

  
“Oikawa, it was a great idea to create a captain’s table,” Ushijima says, ignoring him altogether. Kuroo’s having a very difficult time holding in his cackles. “I look forward to discussing captainly duties with all of you, and I am sure you have a lot of wisdom to glean from a superior school such as Shiratorizawa.”

“Aoba Johsai has _nothing _to ‘glean’ from that shithole you call a school, and I don’t want to hear you say anything about where I should’ve gone-“

“It was just a small joke,” Ushijima says, his face as impassive as ever, but Kuroo detects a hint of glee in his eyes. It’s odd to see on Ushijima, of all people, but also even more amusing than Kuroo had figured. “I have heard from reliable sources that you don’t appreciate it when I imply Aoba Johsai is somehow less than, so while we are seated at this table together, I will refrain from such suggestions.”

Oikawa almost chokes on his food. “Y-you know how to joke?! You’re gonna stop harassing me about Shiratorizawa? Where’s the prank camera, and more importantly, who _are _you?”

This is going even better than expected, Kuroo thinks gleefully. He tries to glance over to where Kenma should be, because despite Kenma’s typically demure appearance, he’s a little shit who takes pleasure in the suffering of others, namely those as out there as Oikawa. Then he remembers that this is the captains only table and that Kenma’s at the table in front of him with Akaashi, who’d dragged him to his table. Tsukishima, and Kunimi from Aoba Johsai are also there. The four of them talk in low voices, even Kenma, though he keeps his eyes mostly on the table. Kuroo feels his chest swell. It’s nice to see Kenma talking to other people, though he does kind of wish he could be a part of it.

His thinking is interrupted by a thump on his shoulder. “What are you lookin’ at, man?”

He turns back to see everyone’s eyes on him. Oikawa’s are narrowed suspiciously and his hands are linked in front of him, an evil smile on his face. “Well, isn’t it obvious?” he sings. “Tetsu-chan is staring at Pudding-chan with a sickeningly smitten look on his face!”

“Shit,” Bokuto whispers, his owl eyes comically wide. “Oh man, you’re in love with Kenma, aren’t you? That totally makes sense!”

“As if it wasn’t disgustingly obvious,” Daichi mutters, looking as though he’d rather be discussing any other topic in the world.

Well, this isn’t how Kuroo had been hoping that everyone would find out. Honestly, he’d kind of been hoping they wouldn’t find out. But it seems he’s far too obvious, just as he tends to be about everything else.

At this point, he’s been in love with Kenma for so long he almost feels like it’s a part of his identity. Kuroo Tetsurou, eighteen years old, volleyball player, captain, only child, hopelessly and stupidly in love with Kozume Kenma. But it’s not the kind of thing he tells people, and it certainly won’t be the kind of thing he tells Kenma.

But of course, the next words out of Bokuto’s mouth are “So how are you gonna tell him, man?!”

“I’m not,” Kuroo grits out. “You know what they say. Ignorance is bliss.”

Ushijima’s typically flat expression turns down into a frown. “To be honest, if someone were as hopelessly in love with me as you seem to be with your setter, then I would hope that they would inform me. Otherwise, I would never be able to give them a true answer.”

_When did stupid Ushijima get so wise, _Kuroo thinks bitterly, and nearly chokes on the fact that it sounds like something Oikawa would say. Oikawa looks surprised, but then tilts his head to smile in a disgustingly smarmy way at Kuroo. “For once, Ushiwaka-chan has a point. You have to tell him something!”

“I agree,” Daichi says. “If you don’t, you’re just being a coward. You've gotta be upfront with your feelings.”

Kuroo wants to hit his head against the table. Instead, in a rare moment of honesty, he says, “But what if he says no? I could deal with a lot of shit in my life, but the one thing that I couldn’t deal with is losing Kenma.”

“He’s not gonna say no,” Daichi says firmly.

“We’ve all seen it, bro!” Bokuto yelps. “He looks at you a way that he doesn’t look at anyone else! Seriously!”

“We’re going to assist you in getting a boyfriend, Tetsu-chan!” Oikawa beams. “You can thank us later.”

“I am happy to be of assistance,” Ushijima agrees.

“No thanks,” Kuroo says as firmly as he can, but they’re all starting to chatter away with potential plans. Kuroo groans and buries his face in his hands. How had a table that had the potential for such beautiful drama turned into the Torture Kuroo Tetsurou in Any Way Possible Table?

.

The next day, Oikawa shows up at the table with a bouquet of flowers and pushes them into Kuroo’s hands.

“I’m flattered, truly, but you’re not my type, pretty boy,” Kuroo drawls in response.

“Oh, as if you and your rat’s nest of a bedhead would _ever _be my type,” Oikawa shoots back, which frankly is fairly insulting. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair dramatically. “This is for you to confess to your Pudding-chan with.”

“My - _what_? You - huh? Today? What? _What?_”

“Maybe I should dumb myself down. Not everyone can be on my level, after all,” Oikawa says with a dramatic hair flip. “You are going to take these flowers, walk over to the next table, and tell Pudding-chan that you are hopelessly in love with him. After that, he will dramatically jump into your arms and the two of you will live happily ever after. Capiche?”

“I am _not _doing that,” Kuroo splutters. “First of all, Kenma would hate it, because it’s in front of a crowd. Second of all, I would hate it. Third of all, that’s a terrible idea.”

“It’s not a terrible idea, just an idea! Maybe one that you don’t like!” Bokuto says cheerily.

“Then give them to him later!” Oikawa protests, shoving the flowers into his arms and drawing back so that Kuroo can’t easily give them back. “I snuck out last night and went to a store and spent my hard-earned cash on these flowers, so I will not accept your refusal, thank you very much.”

“Your devotion to those even outside of your team is truly fascinating,” Ushijima responds. He looks as though he wants to be taking notes, almost, and Kuroo knows that it’s going to bother Oikawa. This is what he’d been hoping for. Not advice about his stupid love life.

“Shut up, Ushiwaka-chan,” Oikawa says, but there’s a hint of red on his cheeks. _Hm, _Kuroo thinks. _Interesting. _

“Do it tonight,” Daichi says, sounding every bit the commanding captain of a troublesome team. “Now can we stop talking about Kuroo’s love life and talk about something volleyball related for once?”

“It’s certainly going to work,” Oikawa sings. “Anyways, Dai-chan, we can talk about volleyball and how I’m absolutely going to destroy your little first-year setter in our next practice match.”

“What did you call me?!” Daichi retorts.

Kuroo sighs, but isn’t paying attention, really. His gaze has drifted back over to the next table, where Kenma’s turned away from him, slightly hunched over as though he’s whispering something to Akaashi. _Beautiful, _Kuroo thinks dreamily to himself.

There’s no way he’s going to be able to confess.

.

Later that night, though, Kuroo decides he wants to at least talk to Kenma. The problem, though, is that Kenma is nowhere to be found.

Kuroo asks Shrimpy, the little redheaded Karasuno kid, and he just shrugs, bouncing on the tips of his feet. “Sorry, I haven’t seen him,” he says, avoiding Kuroo’s gaze. Probably lying, Kuroo thinks, but he has no way to prove it. He asks Tsukishima, who says “why should I tell you?” in his stupid snarky way and does not care at all when Kuroo explains that he is Kenma’s best friend. He asks Akaashi, who just frowns and says, “Sorry, can’t say.”

He doesn’t see Kenma at all until Kenma slips into his futon later that night.

“Kenma,” Kuroo whispers into the darkness. “Hey, what’s up? Where have you been?”

“I’m tired, Kuro,” Kenma says stiffly. “I’m going to bed. Good night.”

Kuroo doesn’t know what to say. He’s always been proficient in detecting Kenma’s moods from his speech, and right now he’s hyperaware that Kenma is angry - angry at him, maybe, and he doesn’t know why. He pushes the pillow down over his head and tries not to scream.

.

  
“What do I do?” Kuroo asks frantically the next day at the table. “He’s mad, and I don’t even know what I did! How can I fix it if I don’t know what the hell I even did?”

Daichi glances over at the next table, raising an eyebrow. “He doesn’t look mad.”

“That’s because he’s not looking at me,” Kuroo wails. “But his eyes turn to ice the second they make contact with me. He hates me, guys. He was my best friend, and now he hates me.”

“Have you ever considered the possibility that you might be being the slightest bit overdramatic?” Ushijima asks.

“Absolutely not. Next suggestion,” Kuroo says.

“Maybe you’re just using the wrong techniques to talk to him,” Oikawa says suggestively.

“He’s my best friend. I don’t use techniques to talk to him,” Kuroo says, furrowing his eyebrows. “Wait, do you use techniques to talk to Iwaizumi?”

“I try, but he doesn’t appreciate them,” Oikawa whines, burying his head in his hands. This only serves to increase Kuroo’s trepidation about what these techniques could possibly be. “Who wants to volunteer to let me test my techniques on them?”

“Nope,” Daichi says immediately.

“Absolutely not,” Kuroo agrees.

“Sorry, man,” Bokuto joins in.

Kuroo watches with a lot of glee as Oikawa turns to the only person left at the table. He’s still extremely upset about the fact that Kenma’s mad at him, but there’s nothing as soothing for the soul as seeing Oikawa suffering. Oikawa groans audibly. “No way. No way in _hell._”

“If it will assist you and Kuroo in some way, I would not mind helping,” Ushijima says.

“No. No. No. Tet-su-chaaaan, since this is for you, I’m going to use the techniques on you, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

Kuroo rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

Oikawa leans across the table towards him, taking one of Kuroo’s hands in his own. “Hey there, Pudding-chan,” he whispers.

“First of all, I call him Kenma, like a normal person.”

“Do you want my help or not?” Oikawa says, eyes narrowing.

Honestly, Kuroo’s no longer convinced that he does, but he doesn’t exactly have a second option so he shrugs and tries not to feel uncomfortable with the whole thing. Oikawa continues on, some long spiel about how Kuroo (as Kenma)’s eyes are like golden pools or some shit. The entire time, Ushijima’s watching the two of them like a hawk, his firm gaze on Oikawa. Kuroo wonders how long it’ll take Oikawa to figure _that _out and be horrified for the rest of his life. He’s truly looking forward to it. And Bokuto’s guffawing, because it’s Bokuto, and Daichi’s making comments about how he hopes this isn’t the way the rest of the world flirts.

_This better fucking work _is all Kuroo can think, though. He never wants Oikawa’s slimy ass hands on him again.

.

It doesn’t work.

It’s not because Oikawa’s flirtation techniques don’t work, but rather, because he never gets to _try _them. Kenma avoids him like the plague. He’s stone cold during volleyball practice and disappears as soon as practice is over. That night, when Kuroo tries to turn to talk to him, he blows him off again.

“I’m exhausted,” he says. “Please leave me alone.”

Kuroo exhales heavily. It feels like lead weighing down on his heart. “Kenma, please. What the hell’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kenma mumbles, which confirms entirely that something’s wrong, that Kuroo had done something wrong. Kuroo’s heart pounds too fast. He wants to know what’s going on, but knows better than to push Kenma.

He turns over onto his side and says, “Good night, then.” _Please talk to me, _his heart pleads. He wonders if Kenma can hear it.

.

The next day, Oikawa shows up at lunch with a humongous stuffed cat.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Kuroo says.

Bokuto hoots, squeezing the cat’s paw. “Oh my god, this is huge! Holy shit! I bet you could smother someone with it! Not that I would ever try, but it might be cool!"

“I had a feeling that you wouldn’t be able to charm Pudding-chan with my techniques alone,” Oikawa says smugly. “And judging by the look on your face at breakfast, I was correct! Therefore, last night, I snuck out and went to a nearby store and found this beautiful cat! It looks just like Pudding-chan, don’t you think?”

“I don’t think it’s prudent for the captain of a team to risk his own eligibility for the love life of another team’s captain,” Ushijima says, which Kuroo knows means that he’s worrying about Oikawa. It’s almost sweet.

Oikawa seems to have picked up on much of the same, because he looks down and glances away. “It’s fine, Ushiwaka-chan, I didn’t get caught!”

Kuroo glances back over at the cat. He can almost see the resemblance, weirdly enough; something about the shape and coloring of the cat and its expression gives off Kenma energy. He takes the cat out of Oikawa’s arms and shakes his head. “Is this supposed to be romantic?”

“It shows that you’re thinking of him!” Oikawa complains.

“Your ideas of romance are so messed up,” Daichi says, crossing his arms.

“Oh yeah?” Oikawa tilts his head towards Daichi and raises his eyebrows. “Then let’s hear yours, Mr. Master of Romance.”

Daichi glances to the side and scratches his head. “I… don’t have any. But that doesn’t mean yours are automatically right, you know.”

“But they’re all we have~” Oikawa sings.

“Hey! I have some suggestions!” Bokuto chimes in.

Kuroo sighs, leaning his elbow on Bokuto’s shoulder. “Sorry, man, but I don’t think we need your weird owl mating rituals.”

“Actually, I was lookin’ up owl mating calls the other day!” Bokuto says with a big grn. “I can show you if you want!”

“No way-“ Daichi starts, but before he can finish, Kuroo interrupts with a loud, “Hell yeah, man, go for it.”

As the hooting starts to fill the cafeteria, Kuroo spares one more glance over at Kenma’s table. His gaze travels from Kenma to the cat in his arms, and despite the fact that Kenma’s still mad at him, his heart suddenly warms the slightest bit.

“You’re giving that to him tonight, correct?” Ushijima asks, snapping Kuroo out of his reverie.

Shit. He sighs with a resigned nod. Knowing his luck recently, though, it’s going to blow up in his face.

.

Through a lot of asking around and a lot of detective work of asking kids he’s never talked to in his entire life, Kuroo manages to find Kenma after the team’s evening practice.

He’s tucked into a corner that probably no one in the entire camp has ever been to before, playing his DS with the screen fully dimmed. He notices that Kuroo’s approaching before Kuroo gets there, his cat-like eyes glowing in the dark and flicking up to Kuroo. He scrambles to his feet faster than Kuroo’s ever seen him move, and is about to take off when Kuroo lightly takes hold of his arm.

“Kenma, wait,” he says, feeling his cheeks heat up. He lets go of Kenma’s arm to hold out the cat towards him. “This is for you, okay?”

Kenma’s expression changes completely. It starts off as confusion, then changes to disgust, his mouth curled back into his ick face. And yeah, Kuroo had realized that maybe the cat wouldn’t be exactly Kenma’s style, but Kenma had never been the type to judge one of Kuroo’s gifts as not being good enough for him. It feels like a knife to the heart, and he’s already wincing when Kenma opens his mouth. “Why exactly are you regifting me a gift from your new boyfriend?”

Kuroo’s world slows to a halt. Frantically, he chokes out, “My new _what_?”

Kenma’s disgust expression starts to soften, confusion seeping back into it. He shifts uncomfortably to one side. “Oikawa, right? I mean, I saw the two of you at your table. When I looked over once, he was flirting with you, and he gave you flowers and that cat…”

_Oh, shit. _

Suddenly it all makes sense.

“Y-you thought that Oikawa and I were a thing? Oh my god,” Kuroo says, his body suddenly bubbling over with laughter that spills out between his words. “Oh my god, Kenma, he was trying to help me deal with the fact that I am hopelessly in love with _you_.”

Kuroo’s heart beats quickly at the confession that had easily fallen from his lips, but if he’s read the situation correctly, then he figures it should turn out okay.

Kenma blinks slowly. His face is impassive, but his eyes convey _something _\- wide and a little bit shiny, his hands finally unclenching. He says, slowly, “You’re in love with me?”

“That’s what I said, yeah,” Kuroo says, crossing his arms tightly across his chest.

Kenma’s whole body relaxes as he looks up at Kuroo. “Dumbass. You could’ve just told me, y’know. You didn’t need those idiots to help you with it.”

“Kenma,” Kuroo complains, but he can feel himself grinning like an idiot. “Hey, where’s my response, huh?”

Kenma stares at the ground uncomfortably as he mutters, “I love you too.” It’s not the most impassioned confession Kuroo’s ever heard, Kuroo thinks, but at the same time he wouldn’t change a single thing about it, and he definitely wouldn’t change a single thing about the way both of them have the same idea - Kenma steps forward, and Kuroo leans down to kiss him for the first time, short and sweet, exactly what Kuroo had been wanting for so long.

When Kuroo pulls back, he grins down at Kenma, kissing him gently on the forehead. “Hey, so were you avoiding me because you were jealous of fucking _Oikawa_?”

“Shut up,” Kenma says, his cheeks burning, which means that Kuroo’s right. It feels like a victory.

“You have such little faith in my taste in men,” Kuroo says dramatically. “If I was gonna go for someone at that table, it’d be Sawamura. You’ve seen his thighs.”

“I think I’d go for Ushijima, personally,” Kenma mutters in response.

“Hey, you’d better not,” Kuroo admonishes, because, let’s face it, Ushijima’s much more built than he is. “Also, Ushijima and Oikawa totally have a thing going on.”

“Tell Oikawa to get his own shit together and stop interfering with us, then,” Kenma grumbles. Kuroo finally gets the cat into Kenma’s arms, and Kenma looks so cute that Kuroo has to lean down to kiss him again. Well, they’d finally made it here. No thanks to Oikawa, though.

.

The next day, Kuroo shows up to lunch with a bouquet of flowers.

“Bro, you’re glowing!” Bokuto hoots, clapping him on the back. “Did everything work out with Kenma, huh?”

“Are the flowers for your new boyfriend, then?” Oikawa asks with a smirk that clearly conveys that he’s totally taking credit for the whole thing.

Kuroo shakes his head and then shoves the bouquet into Oikawa’s hands. “Nope. They’re for you to give your new boyfriend, actually.”

“My new what?!” Oikawa splutters.

“Your turn,” Daichi says, also looking pleased with this turn of events.

“Ushijima, obviously!” Bokuto says, beaming.

Ushijima sets his tray down at the table, glancing around nervously. “What is going on here?” he asks stiffly, as Oikawa looks as though he’s going to die. “Did someone give you flowers?” he says with a nod to Oikawa.

“No, they’re for -“ Bokuto says cheerily.

“My sister!” Oikawa interrupts with a yelp. His face is totally red, but the one thing Kuroo notices is that he doesn’t deny his interest in Ushijima. Interesting. He gives Oikawa a glare he hopes conveys that he expects the flowers to be given to Ushijima later, and then his eyes travel across the room, to where Kenma is sitting. He notices that this time, Kenma’s looking back at him, a small smile curving at his lips. He returns it with a blindingly bright smile of his own.

“You’re all disgusting,” Daichi groans, but Kuroo really can’t bring himself to care.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Daichi, to be honest.  
This was based on a tweet I made here: https://twitter.com/todxrxki/status/1157988359442173952 that someone requested a fic about, and it just spiraled into this! (I added Daichi in because why not.) It's definitely not super accurate as to how a training camp is, but oh well. Think of it as a bit of a crack fic. Also, this is the first time I've ever written Ushioi, which is crazy considering how much I love them.  
This is for Kuroken Week Day 3 as well, with the prompt "flowers!"  
I hope you enjoy! If so, please leave a comment to let me know what you thought!


End file.
